Ohio

Leaving Canada, I knew I would miss Doug immensely, but we had things to do, places to see, and food to eat. We breezed through Buffalo without thinking twice. Mainly because T.O. on the Bills is about the biggest news that town has had since chicken wings (fact check?). Besides, we had a very specific mission to carry out: Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives. It's no secret that Joanna and I are huge advocates of food. I can't count how many times we've been lulled to sleep by the sweet sounds of Guy Fieri shoving pounds of bizarre culinary creations into his mouth. Actually, when we decided to take this journey of ours, the routes were plotted out according to our favorite diners, drive-ins, and drives, spanning from jersey to california, and all states in between. Anything else along the way was simply an added bonus. To simplify descriptions, we'll call these food establishments D3's. And it just so happened, we were on schedule to reach our first D3 around lunch time.

We pulled into Cleveland not knowing what to expect, and right off the bat, our guts were telling us to expect a vicious stabbing. We drove around the city for a while, searching for the Parkview Nightclub; according to Guy, they served a mean smoked salmon b.l.t.. We found ourselves in an industrial neighborhood, characterized by countless, crumbling brick warehouses, rundown, tenantless apartment buildings, and thriving auto repair shops. When we found the nightclub, we parked, double locked, and made our way inside the old redbrick building. It was time to see if this Guy Fieri was full of shit or not.

This place fell under the third portion of triple D's; a serious dive… and my kind of place. Check it out--> ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7I6az0oR-08 ) The dusty wooden floor planks creaked as we made our way through the cluttered bar towards our booth. Knowing that my driving shift was over, I ordered a scotch and a beer, while Jojo threw in our order of fried asparagus with chipotle sauce, chipotle pork tacos, and a smoked salmon b.l.t.; While we waited, we took note of the eight other customers patronizing the Parkview that day. The first table was a group of three young, overdressed business boys, who took turns convincing each other that they were masters of the universe. The second table consisted of three old ladies, whose camaraderie with the servers led us to believe they were regulars. The final two customers were perched up at the bar; two men who had obviously been there since the bar opened for the day, and who were undoubtedly drinking away the fact that they were in Cleveland. it was a sobering scene. I ordered another scotch.

We've decided to create our own rating system to judge Guy Fieri's level of malarky. 5 burps being the perfect score. We judge the establishment on atmosphere, food quality, and expectations as set by Guy Fieri himself. First up, fried asparagus. light and crispy: hearty burps. Then, the chipotle pork tacos: incredibly spicy. Finally, the smoked salmon b.l.t.: smokey, and perfect. We ordered another round of drinks before we paid our tab, and decided unanimously that the Parkview Nightclub came in at a mediocre 2 1/2 burps.

We intended to get out of Cleveland just about as fast as we could, but Jojo spotted a unique little attraction just a few blocks from the bar: THE CHRISTMAS STORY HOUSE!! Still preserved in the exact condition as it was in the movie, the risque leg lamp stood proudly in the front window. It was a worthwhile side-track, but times were tough in Cleveland, and we knew it was time to go when we saw an angry, neighborhood mob chasing the Bumpas' dogs in search of sustenance. We floored it to Springfield, Illinois.